on finding joy, and choosing devotion
Do you celebrate your accomplishments, or do you just move on to the next thing?
I used to believe that I didn't really love my work if I was worried about milestones or accomplishments. This stubbornness with regard to goal-setting or even acknowledgment was surely an act of rebellion against the unrealistic expectations of my childhood. I didn't achieve the big accomplishments my parents expected of me, so what does anything I would want to create matter? It matters because I'm my own parent now. This self-parenting is making me a better custodian of my own inner child, and probably a better parent to my own children.
Still, I've been carrying this immense burden of failure - for not accomplishing what was expected of me growing up. The biggest one has held so much shame: I never finished college. I'm positive that at 49 years old, my parents don't expect me to finish my degree, but whenever I receive an email from some alternative school, some certificate program, some path back to that elusive degree - I'm tempted. Tempted to drop everything and strive to meet long-lost dreams other humans (who never really knew me) set as my goal without my input. And expected me to accomplish without their support.
I'm a master of my craft, and there's no school that teaches how to become a sewing fairy godmother, no design program where students are taught to make clothes for all kinds of bodies, no college degree that could make me better at this practical magic of making I inherited from my ancestors. I will celebrate that instead, because that celebration crowds out any lingering burden of the past.
Last month, I talked about how finding joy is crucial. I'm finding joy in my daily yoga with Ella, and our 3x a week hikes to Discovery Park before she logs in to school. I'm finding joy in having a family who are really a good team. It's almost a year we've been cooped up together, with only one another for in-person companionship, and we're still having fun, getting along, spending time together.
Another way I find joy is by actively looking for it. I've been paying attention over the past year to not only what I find satisfying when it's complete, but what I truly love while I'm doing it. I'm happy to report, I mostly only do what I want to do.
There are some things I've used some jedi mind tricks to learn to enjoy, sure. But I did get there in the end. Staying up late is a delicious luxury to me. The bargain I've made (with myself) is that when I stay up late (like tonight) I leave the kitchen clean for my early-riser husband. I used to resent dirty countertops as if they were a personal affront. (I even came close to getting fired from a job once because I refused to vacuum the bike shop where I was the bookkeeper.) John makes me coffee every morning. Fresh ground local beans for me, made in the aeropress and delivered to my bedside. He drinks instant coffee, himself.
I remind myself of monks sweeping temple floors, as I sweep my kitchen floors. I bless the countertops that are the location of so much of my kitchen witchery. I appreciate his daily gift so much that I treat my late night cleaning as an act of devotion.
When I realized I no longer resented cleaning, I began looking forward to it. Not all of it, but the time I spend late at night in the kitchen. It's a gift I can give my family through a small act of service, and it inspired me to start looking for other opportunities to practice devotion. Other areas to make the most loving choice, for myself or someone else. For me, that choice is another place joy can be found.
Where do you find joy, even if you have to look closely?
